Psychotic Ambition

Yesterday I went to the “Make Mine a Million” event in Universal City. It was pretty good. A seminar for women in business. This falls on the heels of me putting in my 2 week notice and preparing myself to really go after this film thing with my production company JNL Media.

I’m still working for An Empowered Woman, but I had to give the restaurant job up. I’m a grown woman now, with a grown up job! Time to leave the comfort zone, and what’s easy and step into the arena with the big dogs.

But baby let me tell you, I was nauseous the other day. Right after I told the manager, this feeling in the pit of my belly eased in and made itself at home. Fear. Cold, hard, FEAR sitting right there underneath my heart. Fear whispering to me in those quick silent moments “What do you think you’re doing?” “You don’t know what you’re doing”. “You guys need money and you gave up a job”.

Let me just backtrack for you real quick. Since August of 2007, I’ve been working 20-40 hrs a week at An Empowered Woman. 15 hrs on the weekends at Burbank Bar & Grill.

All the while, auditioning, doing films, modeling, writing, acting, producing, etc…

When December rolled around and I’m taking sleeping pills, but still can’t sleep, I realized there’s a problem. Something HAS TO get eliminated. My grown up job, where I get bonuses, can network with powerful women, make good money, and where the hours are getting really good. OR my film stuff, not film as much, put JNL Media on the back burner until the time is right. OR give up my night job at BBG, where the staff is like my 2nd family.

HMMMMMM….putting JNL Media on the back burner. I tossed that one around for about 2 days. NO. I’ve put it on the back burner long enough. I’ve done 2 short films. Time to move up. And in order to move up, I need the time and the ENERGY to do.

I came out here for film. There is no way I’m putting it to the side to make a few extra dollars.

I just signed with 2 new agencies too. Acting, film, modeling, all go hand in hand in my eye. I’m either gonna push them all, or put them all on the side. NOPE, I didnt beg my hubby for 2 years to come out West to sit on my ass and bust my ass to get from Westlake Village to a hostess job. I came out here to Act, to Produce, and then some.

So these are the conversations I was having with myself for about 2 weeks, until the day I walked into work and before I could even think twice about it, told the manager I was putting in my notice. Afterwards, some little tricky devil told me how stupid that was, I should at least wait a little longer. Trick of the devil or reality??

This is where faith steps in. Because the whispers got so loud, that cold hard rock feeling of fear in my belly grew so large one night, I thought was going to faint.

Faith, Hope, something to grasp on to and say “It’s going to be okay”. God hasn’t let me down yet. He’s got me. I KNOW this.

faith and hope vs fear and doubt.

So I step out on a limb and pray to God that if I fall I won’t bounce!!! LOL

today i went to the empowered woman’s second sunday brunch. speaker julie thong, carmen aplegren, and nancy morris.julie thong talked about how when she was 15 living in cambodia, in a big ole pretty house how her world got turned upside down.
cambodia got taken over by communist and her and her family got captured and split up. this is a 15 yr old girl who was told to dig 6×6 foot ditches everyday. fed a tablespoon of rice daily and that was it. she lost her hair, and being so malnutritioned, couldnt even walk anymore. they put her in a separate camp and left her to die. 
so here comes the good shit, like straight out of a movie or something.
because it was the place the prisoners were left to die, they didnt have guards. she would venture out and gather berries and nursed herself back to health, well at least well enough where she could walk again. ESCAPED the concentration camp and found her parents!!! her parents had to hide her, otherwise they would’ve all been killed. eventually, cambodia was restored to it’s original government, but the family had lost everything. this little girl decided she was going to sneak across the border and go into taiwan. her parents told her no. she (again, at a young age) decided TO DO IT ANYWAY. ran away with her brothers and sisters into taiwan. made some extra money by helping others get across the border, and paid someone to KIDNAP her parents, because she knew they wouldn’t come willingly. got her parents into taiwan, went to a refugee camp that was sponsored by the UN and found a sponsor from America that brought her and her family into the US.now tell me that aint crazy.
tell me that isn’t determination, ambition, dreams, and a tenacity so fierce, it’s untouchable!
i was soooo moved i can’t even begin to explain. she said because she went so many years hungry, now and still her favorite pasttime is eating! LOL, i can relate to that.
so my lil ole goals, my lil ole roadblocks, are NOTHING compared to what life COULD throw my way. she said she was scared to death, but regardless of the unknown, she had to face her fears anyway. fears of finding her family, walking day and night in a communist country where troops are around every corner. fear of transporting her family to taiwan. fear of coming to america. fear of learning a new language and learning a different way of communicating.
we complain about so much. what are we praising?
 what are we thankful for?  
what are rejoicing?  
face your fears. be fearless.
if this little old tiny woman (i swear she looks like she’s about 80 lbs!!! and the woman just turned 50!) can do it, then damnit, so can i!
so can i, and nobody can tell me different. what if she said, “it is over” when she lay in a hospital bed surrounded by dead people. they left her there to die. and despite that, SHE CHOSE TO LIVE. @ 15 yrs old. she chose life. 
i choose life. i choose happiness, i choose the pursuit of my dreams. I choose god. i choose love. i choose family.
i choose ME!
stay blessed folks
www.nikkilove.com