Psychotic Ambition

Yesterday I went to the “Make Mine a Million” event in Universal City. It was pretty good. A seminar for women in business. This falls on the heels of me putting in my 2 week notice and preparing myself to really go after this film thing with my production company JNL Media.

I’m still working for An Empowered Woman, but I had to give the restaurant job up. I’m a grown woman now, with a grown up job! Time to leave the comfort zone, and what’s easy and step into the arena with the big dogs.

But baby let me tell you, I was nauseous the other day. Right after I told the manager, this feeling in the pit of my belly eased in and made itself at home. Fear. Cold, hard, FEAR sitting right there underneath my heart. Fear whispering to me in those quick silent moments “What do you think you’re doing?” “You don’t know what you’re doing”. “You guys need money and you gave up a job”.

Let me just backtrack for you real quick. Since August of 2007, I’ve been working 20-40 hrs a week at An Empowered Woman. 15 hrs on the weekends at Burbank Bar & Grill.

All the while, auditioning, doing films, modeling, writing, acting, producing, etc…

When December rolled around and I’m taking sleeping pills, but still can’t sleep, I realized there’s a problem. Something HAS TO get eliminated. My grown up job, where I get bonuses, can network with powerful women, make good money, and where the hours are getting really good. OR my film stuff, not film as much, put JNL Media on the back burner until the time is right. OR give up my night job at BBG, where the staff is like my 2nd family.

HMMMMMM….putting JNL Media on the back burner. I tossed that one around for about 2 days. NO. I’ve put it on the back burner long enough. I’ve done 2 short films. Time to move up. And in order to move up, I need the time and the ENERGY to do.

I came out here for film. There is no way I’m putting it to the side to make a few extra dollars.

I just signed with 2 new agencies too. Acting, film, modeling, all go hand in hand in my eye. I’m either gonna push them all, or put them all on the side. NOPE, I didnt beg my hubby for 2 years to come out West to sit on my ass and bust my ass to get from Westlake Village to a hostess job. I came out here to Act, to Produce, and then some.

So these are the conversations I was having with myself for about 2 weeks, until the day I walked into work and before I could even think twice about it, told the manager I was putting in my notice. Afterwards, some little tricky devil told me how stupid that was, I should at least wait a little longer. Trick of the devil or reality??

This is where faith steps in. Because the whispers got so loud, that cold hard rock feeling of fear in my belly grew so large one night, I thought was going to faint.

Faith, Hope, something to grasp on to and say “It’s going to be okay”. God hasn’t let me down yet. He’s got me. I KNOW this.

faith and hope vs fear and doubt.

So I step out on a limb and pray to God that if I fall I won’t bounce!!! LOL