Psychotic Ambition

So a feature film that I was in back in the end of 2006 now has distribution! YAAAAY!

Its called Right Place, Wrong Time. Directed by Michael Carter. A HardyCarter Production.

It was my first feature film I did out here in California, and I remember how nervous I was! I was the lead actress, Jamaica.  Met some cool people that I’m still in touch with.

SOOOO, take your asses to NETFLIX and rent my movie!!! Or if you really feel like taking a walk on the wild side, buy it from AMAZON!

And if you REALLY feel like being wild and funky, make sure to give it a good rating!!

DONT BE CHEAP!! Support a starving actress! Hehe.

So anywhoo, needless to say, I’m excited. I’m inspired, I’m motivated. I found out last night after arriving home from watching The Great Debaters. That girl, Jurnee Smollett, can act her ass off! I remember her from Eve’s Bayou.

So yes, help propel my itty bitty career into superstardom so I can do a film with Denzel!!!! LOL

Yesterday I went to the “Make Mine a Million” event in Universal City. It was pretty good. A seminar for women in business. This falls on the heels of me putting in my 2 week notice and preparing myself to really go after this film thing with my production company JNL Media.

I’m still working for An Empowered Woman, but I had to give the restaurant job up. I’m a grown woman now, with a grown up job! Time to leave the comfort zone, and what’s easy and step into the arena with the big dogs.

But baby let me tell you, I was nauseous the other day. Right after I told the manager, this feeling in the pit of my belly eased in and made itself at home. Fear. Cold, hard, FEAR sitting right there underneath my heart. Fear whispering to me in those quick silent moments “What do you think you’re doing?” “You don’t know what you’re doing”. “You guys need money and you gave up a job”.

Let me just backtrack for you real quick. Since August of 2007, I’ve been working 20-40 hrs a week at An Empowered Woman. 15 hrs on the weekends at Burbank Bar & Grill.

All the while, auditioning, doing films, modeling, writing, acting, producing, etc…

When December rolled around and I’m taking sleeping pills, but still can’t sleep, I realized there’s a problem. Something HAS TO get eliminated. My grown up job, where I get bonuses, can network with powerful women, make good money, and where the hours are getting really good. OR my film stuff, not film as much, put JNL Media on the back burner until the time is right. OR give up my night job at BBG, where the staff is like my 2nd family.

HMMMMMM….putting JNL Media on the back burner. I tossed that one around for about 2 days. NO. I’ve put it on the back burner long enough. I’ve done 2 short films. Time to move up. And in order to move up, I need the time and the ENERGY to do.

I came out here for film. There is no way I’m putting it to the side to make a few extra dollars.

I just signed with 2 new agencies too. Acting, film, modeling, all go hand in hand in my eye. I’m either gonna push them all, or put them all on the side. NOPE, I didnt beg my hubby for 2 years to come out West to sit on my ass and bust my ass to get from Westlake Village to a hostess job. I came out here to Act, to Produce, and then some.

So these are the conversations I was having with myself for about 2 weeks, until the day I walked into work and before I could even think twice about it, told the manager I was putting in my notice. Afterwards, some little tricky devil told me how stupid that was, I should at least wait a little longer. Trick of the devil or reality??

This is where faith steps in. Because the whispers got so loud, that cold hard rock feeling of fear in my belly grew so large one night, I thought was going to faint.

Faith, Hope, something to grasp on to and say “It’s going to be okay”. God hasn’t let me down yet. He’s got me. I KNOW this.

faith and hope vs fear and doubt.

So I step out on a limb and pray to God that if I fall I won’t bounce!!! LOL

So apparently there is this new internet wave…2girls1cup.

A friend of mine at work was talking about it, so I googled it. Little did I know what I was getting myself into. I dont know why I didn’t trust her, when she said “Nikki, it’s the grossest fucking thing you will ever see in your life”.  My interest was really piqued when a few other people joined in the conversation talking about how nasty it was.  And nosey me, I just had to check this thing out!

Dont ask why I had to see for myself this porn that is supposed to totally disgust me, but hey…So a few weeks later, when mindlessness pervaded me, I googled this thing. But I accidentally put in 2chicks1cup, and all of these youtube videos popped up. So I get distracted and watch a few of these “reaction videos” and I must say, it is very entertaining! I was laughing my ass off. I didn’t know what they were watching, but it was funny!

So I grab the flip video, and jump on the bandwagon.Typed in www.2girls1finger.com (which was supposed to be the newest one of this “series” that they have going on). And lo and behold a porn site pops up with these disgusting pictures on the side bars. So pressing play, I still wasn’t prepared for what was coming my way. 

2girls1finger, wow. I was pretty much speechless.

Number one, these 2 girls look like they are barely legal. They are throwing up all over each other and moaning and groaning like it’s the sexiest thing since Brad Pitt. And I think the sound effects really add to the grossness of it. So then at the end of this minute and 40 second viral hell video, the girl shits in the other girl’s mouth. They then proceed to pass it back and forth in this turd war kiss. Now when I say the camera gets close up, they get close up! You actually see it coming out of her asshole. And it’s a big piece too. Well, not like a small piece would be any better, but this thing has you wondering what the hell did she eat before hand??

So at this point I’m feeling disturbed by what I saw, and slightly entertained, and EXTREMELY grateful that my mother raised her daughter with enough common sense to not let someone shit in my mouth!!!

So anywhoo, I finished watching the video, and realized I still had not even watched the 2chicks1cup video, which was the “original”.

Press play again. It starts out fairly normal I suppose as porn goes, with 2 girls making out. But 5 seconds later, it cuts to a frame where it is nothing but ass and shit. One of the girls is shitting into a plastic cup, and it comes out so fast you wonder what the hell kinda laxatives did they give her??!!! So I am thoroughly disgusted at this point, but YET I can’t seem to tear my eyes away from the computer!

I’m truly tripping that these two girls are actually going through with this! Did they get paid? Are they high on something? And thinking about the payment option, makes you wonder and affirm that there is no amount of money that would sway me into doing this kind of video! 

They are licking the crap piled on the cup, like it’s an ice cream cone, it almost looks fake. She then takes a huge chunk, swirling and mushing it around her mouth, like it’s the greatest piece of chocolate that ever hit the face of the earth. Licks her mouth and teeth clean of any residue. Then the next shot is of these girls with shit over their face tonguing each other down with it all in their mouths. I’m telling you people at this point, you are trying not to throw up.Literally, your gag reflexes automatically surface watching this video.

You know it’s gotta smell right? Now, the reaction videos all make sense.And again, I’m so drawn into this now, I’m still watching. Covering my face, but not quite covering my eyes, peeking through my fingers.And then I put myself through the torture of watching the 4girlsfingerpaint video.I was on a roll I’m telling ya! I was caught up in this weird, twisted, shitty world, and I couldn’t help myself but to watch all the videos!!!


 WATCH THE REACTION VIDEO HERE

And the sick part about all of this, is that the next morning I proceeded to drag my hubby in front of the computer and made him watch it!

Emailed the links to a few people in my address book and told them to watch a video that will make them lose sleep that night. BR />
My brother and his girlfriend came over and guess what…YEP, I made them watch it too!!! Melanie’s reaction was too funny, WATCH HERE! I’m telling you, I can’t NOT pay this one forward!!!!

www.2girls1cup.com

www.2girls1cup.com

www.4girlsfingerpaint.com

and there’s two more added to the series too, but these are the nastiest ones.

Get cupchicked!!!!  

I don’t want to capture your attention. I want to rip it from you and leave you breathless. - Marliese Leitner  MM#531941

 I saw this quote on Model Mayhem. Kinda struck me. Marinate on that one for a minute.

Leave you breathless. You won’t forget me.  You will remember.

To capture someone’s attention. What does that mean?

 Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) - Cite This Source - Share This

cap·ture      /ˈkæptʃər/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kap-cher] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation verb, -tured, -tur·ing, noun

–verb (used with object)

1.	to take by force or stratagem; take prisoner; seize: The police captured the burglar.

2.	to gain control of or exert influence over: an ad that captured our attention; a TV show that captured 30% of the prime-time audience.

3.	to take possession of, as in a game or contest: to capture a pawn in chess.

4.	to represent or record in lasting form: The movie succeeded in capturing the atmosphere of Berlin in the 1930s.

5.	Computers. a. to enter (data) into a computer for processing or storage. b. to record (data) in preparation for such entry.

Not only do they look, notice, stop a sec, but you hold their notice. For a few seconds, a few minutes, something about you, what you look like, your personality, your heart, your soul, your words, your actions, held someone’s attention. And if you can leave that person breathless, then damn that’s powerful.  Who or what do you give your attention to? What holds you? What moves you? What do you dwell in?
What takes your breath away?? What makes you pause in your step, in your thoughts? What makes you so excited that you have to catch your breath?

And the simple fact that human beings, your soul, your spirit, has the ability to reach out to another person, and “capture their attention” and “leave them breathless” is like WOW.

A lot of times, beauty, the abnormal, the strange, the loud, the surreal, will capture someones attention. Makes you a double take, take a second glance. But breathless??

Maybe a sunset, maybe the way i see a tree blowing, gazing up at mountains. Those things leave me breathless. But a person?

Are we open to people? Do we give people a chance to leave us breathless, or do we just bypass their spirits?

I need to sit on that one for a bit longer.